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Harvard Local National International Miscellaneous Editorials
Harvard
Bok to Institute Senior Citizen-Friendly Reforms – Promises to "Party Like It's 1979" - Though only serving as president on an interim basis, 76-year-old Derek Bok is wasting no time in remaking Harvard, announcing at a faculty meeting last week that his primary initiative is to make the school more accessible to senior citizens
Moving Walkways Planned for Quad - Harvard Student Life Coordinator Mathias Johnson unveiled a plan yesterday to build automated moving walkways from all Quad House doorways to the Currier shuttle stop.
Local
Willy Wonka Appointed Head of Big Dig - Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney has appointed new leadership for the Big Dig, naming Willy Wonka the head engineer of the embattled public works project. The move is the latest in a series of sweeping reforms following the July collapse of a ceiling panel in Boston's I-90 connector tunnel
Homeless Man Claims Obama - Though he is popular among voters,
Barack Obama has recently come under blistering attack by area homeless
man Joe Gibbons.
National
Million Monkeys at Million Typewriters Fail to Replace Screenwriters - In an attempt to replace the striking WGA, the AMPTP has purchased one million monkeys and set them in front of one million typewriters. Thus far, the experiment has not gone well.
Lincoln Ignored Historical Memo - While moving the table in the employee break room at the Library of Congress recently, librarians found a dossier of memos addressed to President Lincoln, which was being used to keep the table from wobbling
International
U.S. Demands Holland/The Netherlands Make Up Its/Their Goddamned Mind - After an independent study revealed
that 9 out of 10 American adults cannot find Holland on a map because they do not know what the hell it’s actually called, The United States government has decided to take action by forcing the country to “make up its goddamned
mind.”
Osama bin Laden Protests News Feed - When Osama bin Laden jokingly Facebook-friended George W. Bush in late 2005, he didn't know that Mark Zuckerberg's team would one day create the News Feed