Satire V
Harvard Local National International Miscellaneous Editorials
Harvard
Freshman Warlock Mounts Floor Mirror for Ceiling Sex - First-year wizard and enchanter Kevin Lutz puzzled roommates and FMO workers when he had a large mirror installed on the floor of his Matthews Hall dorm room
Studying for Finals - An Editorial by Your Religious Frat Brother - Hey bros, Pete here. I know it’s exam season here at Ridgemont College, which means you’re looking for study aids. No prob man, I got you covered. It’s called The King James Bible.
Local
Local Sinner Scoffs at God's Smiting Abilities - Area convenience store manager James Borowski is finding it less and less plausible that God is going to smite him down any time soon, despite the fact that he continues to live in a state of unadulterated sin
Area Racist Separates Colored Laundry from Whites - Area racist Seth Buckingham has confessed that he separates his white and colored laundry each week, to be put in two separate but equal washing machines.
National
Golden Brown Potato Wins Idaho Primary - It’s no wonder that the citizens of Idaho, known for eating raw potatoes like apples and wearing Mr. Potato Head accessories, overwhelmingly favored Idaho potatoes in the recent Democratic primary.
Ken Jennings Outsmarts Daughter for 541st Consecutive Day - Record-breaking Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings has again outsmarted his daughter, extending his streak of intellectual domination over the 1½ year old into its 19th consecutive month
International
France Surrenders to Ennui - France shocked the world on Sunday when they raised the figurative white flag and surrendered to the ruthless, ever-encroaching, and yet maddeningly-abstract forces of ennui.
Bin Laden Sex Tape Receives Mixed Reviews - One Night in Tora Bora, a recently
released sex tape featuring Osama bin Laden and several virgins, has received ambivalent reviews from Pentagon officials.