Satire V
Harvard Local National International Miscellaneous Editorials
Inside this Issue

Area cloud looks like kitty

Putin to Kasparov: King Me

Santa Unable to Bring Daddy Back

Bootleg Osama bin Laden Tape Released in China 3 Weeks Early

Sticky buns not so sticky

Ahmadenijad Just Debating Anyone These Days

From The Archives

A Letter from Pepperidge Farm: We regret to inform you that Pepperidge Farm is not liable for self-inflicted food-related injuries. Though we empathize with your gastrointestinal plight, our “Death by Chocolate” cake does not guarantee – as the name may suggest – actual death, but describes our unique, patented style of frosting. Read More

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Seeking: Decoy torches. Lots of them.

Harvard
Image Army Comp Leads to Several Deaths - In an attempt to raise its ever diminishing “rich white boy” demographic, the United States Army set up a comp here on the Harvard campus.
Our President Shakes Like A Woman - An Editorial By Alan Wright ‘09 - The handshake has long been seen as a demonstration of authority. The Stone Age saw cavemen handshake on agreements. In disagreements, this devolved into a fatal game of mercy.
Recent Studies Project Freshman 15 to Approach Freshman 150 at Harvard - After this year’s removal of the calorie
cards, Harvard University Dining Services forecasts that the Freshman 15 will inevitably balloon to 150. Complementing
the staples of various sandwiches,
salads, and pasta will be deep-fried Twinkies, fried ice cream, batter-dipped Oreos, and processed lard.
Local
Image Notorious Wife Beater to Starbucks: “You Call This Shit Coffee?” - A local Starbucks employee was accosted early Thursday morning when a disgruntled man entered the establishment, demanding a cup of coffee prepared “the way [he] liked it” but refusing to elaborate any further.
Twinkie Defense Pretty Much Explains Area Man’s Entire Life - After many years of fumbling to find an excuse for his ineffectual life, John Stottard has struck gold.
Knicks Fans Blame Isiah Thomas for Mortgage Crisis - Coping with a losing record and a growing home mortgage crisis, New York Knicks fans are blaming head coach Isiah Thomas for their misfortune.
National
Image Michael Steele “Gaffe” Proves Genius - When Michael Steele accused Sasha Obama of being anti-Semitic last week, it seemed the RNC chairman had made the political gaffe of the century. Now, it is becoming clear that the comment was all part of an incredibly shrewd political maneuver.
Report: Britney Spears Killed 37 Tamagotchis; Family and Friends Failed to See Warning Signs - Inside sources claim Britney Spears’s family and friends failed to intervene when the troubled pop star’s poor parenting skills resulted in the deaths of 37 Tamagotchi digital pets in the early 1990s.
Congress Opens Up Ted Kennedy's Body for Fuel Exploration - In a turn of events heavily lobbied by the oil industry, Congress resolved today to allow exploratory fuel drillings on Ted Kennedy's torso
International
Image Gutenberg Invents Printing Press - In what will probably go down in the history books as one of man’s greatest inventions, Johannes Gutenberg has discovered a way to produce ammonia from hydrogen and nitrogen at the industrial level. In lesser news, he has also found a way to automate the writing process.
Osama bin Laden Protests News Feed - When Osama bin Laden jokingly Facebook-friended George W. Bush in late 2005, he didn't know that Mark Zuckerberg's team would one day create the News Feed
Swaziland Test Fires Pistol - Despite warnings from the international community, the Kingdom of Swaziland announced last Tuesday that it has successfully test-fired a pistol
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