Satire V
Harvard Local National International Miscellaneous Editorials
Inside this Issue

US Sends Emergency Rations to Olsen Twins

Gun Pried from Charlton Heston's Fingers

Shady Character Looks Like He's Hiding Something

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Sued for Discrimination

Man Not Mugged on Late-Night Cambridge Common Stroll

Hamburgler Arrested for Molesting Wendy's Girl

From The Archives

Satire V Presents A Personal Note: Farge McMenses on “I Hate My Name”: I need to open up about how much I hate my name. Why, you might ask? Well, for starters, can you guess my gender? Didn’t think so. Read More

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Harvard
Image Army Comp Leads to Several Deaths - In an attempt to raise its ever diminishing “rich white boy” demographic, the United States Army set up a comp here on the Harvard campus.
Bok to Institute Senior Citizen-Friendly Reforms – Promises to "Party Like It's 1979" - Though only serving as president on an interim basis, 76-year-old Derek Bok is wasting no time in remaking Harvard, announcing at a faculty meeting last week that his primary initiative is to make the school more accessible to senior citizens
Freshman Chase Ambulance to Awesome Party - In a desire to join in on the alcohol-poisoning frenzy, a group of Harvard freshmen followed an ambulance to Currier House last Saturday
Local
Image Notorious Wife Beater to Starbucks: “You Call This Shit Coffee?” - A local Starbucks employee was accosted early Thursday morning when a disgruntled man entered the establishment, demanding a cup of coffee prepared “the way [he] liked it” but refusing to elaborate any further.
Real Bird Lures Blind Man to Crosswalk Death - Cambridge resident and certified blind person Zachary Cooper met a gruesome end yesterday as he was killed while crossing Massachusetts Avenue against the light
Area Blue Artist Wants You Back, Baby - Area blues musician Robert “Gloomy Tunez” Thomson used his latest release, “Scowlin’ at the Moon,” to inform the public that he wants you back, baby.
National
Image Michael Steele “Gaffe” Proves Genius - When Michael Steele accused Sasha Obama of being anti-Semitic last week, it seemed the RNC chairman had made the political gaffe of the century. Now, it is becoming clear that the comment was all part of an incredibly shrewd political maneuver.
Pedophiles Express Concern Over Childhood Obesity - The pedophile community last week expressed dismay over the recent rise in childhood obesity, adding its voice to the chorus of physicians and dieticians concerned with expanding waistlines in our schools.
International
Image Gutenberg Invents Printing Press - In what will probably go down in the history books as one of man’s greatest inventions, Johannes Gutenberg has discovered a way to produce ammonia from hydrogen and nitrogen at the industrial level. In lesser news, he has also found a way to automate the writing process.
Iron Chef Exposed in Doping Scandal - Iron Chef Sakai, the French culinary expert of the popular Japanese game show Iron Chef, has admitted to what has been described by Japanese officials as "rampant doping in Kitchen Stadium."
Congress Outsources Iraq War to India - Facing rising casualties and insurmountable
difficulties in Iraq, the US Congress voted yesterday to outsource the Iraq War to India.
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Content found on this website is satirical and should not be construed as fact.