Satire V -- "Holding a mirror up to truth"

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Editorials

Man Not Mugged on Late-Night Cambridge Common Stroll

Gun Pried from Charlton Heston's Fingers

Ahmadinejad: "I Thought You Meant Happy People"

Embedded Reporter Exhumed

Eyes, Nose and Mouth - Still in Fashion!

Freaky Art Teacher's Class Begins at Daybreak

Dumb Joke by Hot Girl Gets Big Laughs Anyway: Sally Vernon, a busty Central High School junior, wowed members of the school’s football team last week with a rather underwhelming joke. Read More

Dominican American infielder seeking major league team to pay him $35 million when he's 40 years old. No, really. arodrulez@aol.com

WHO Gives Paris Hilton Head

The World Health Organization announced this morning that socialite Paris Hilton will replace Dr. Margaret Chan as the specialized agency’s Director-General. Read More

Health Food Industry Pledges to Make Products Taste Good

In a joint statement yesterday, the leaders of the major corporations that produce healthy foods and snacks vowed to make the taste of their products a priority in the upcoming fiscal year. Read More

Knee-Jerk Liberal Tears ACL

Area liberal Martin Schwartz will undergo campaign-season-ending surgery on his knee after sustaining an injury during Countdown with Keith Olbermann last night. Read More

Teacher Hopeful That Mitochondria Rap Will Make Biology Cool

Lloyd Pepper, 37, known affectionately to half his class as Mr. P and subversively to the other half as Mr. Wee, was optimistic Tuesday that his “O.P.P.” parody would win the hearts and minds of his 6th graders. Read More

Harvard “Hotness” Affirmative Action Program Draws Protest

Harvard students gathered outside University Hall yesterday to protest the news that the Harvard College Office of admissions has been using an affirmative action program that favors better looking female applicants. Read More

Harvard Student Receives B-

Students throughout Harvard University were thrown into shock over recent reports that Daniel Woods, a junior concentrating in Economics, received a B- in his econometrics class. Read More

Obama to Replace Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt on Mt. Rushmore

A special taskforce on National Parks and Monuments announced major renovations will be made to South Dakota landmark Mt. Rushmore in the coming year. Read More

New iPhone App Supplies GPS for Life Choices

Amid the flurry of applications being released everyday on Apple’s iPhone, developers have been stretching their imaginations to satisfy consumers. Read More

Historical Advice Column: Ask Patty

Point-Counterpoint: I'm Not Sure If I Want to Eat Your Pussy vs. God I Would Love to Eat Your Cat

Sixteen-Year-Old Texan Boy vs. Sixteen-Year-Old Sudanese Boy Read More