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Man Wonders Why His Co-Co Puffs Breakfast Looks Nothing Like The One On TV

Hamburgler Arrested for Molesting Wendy's Girl

Mom Can't Wait to Clean Up All Your Shit

US Sends Emergency Rations to Olsen Twins

Underground Rock Band Burns at Earth's Core

Delayed Release of Halo 2 Forces Social Interaction: At least one UCSB undergraduate's life was drastically changed when the release of Halo 2, one of the most anticipated video games ever for the Xbox system, was pushed back from this spring to next fall Read More

Seeking: Long-term recession Down_with_USA@yahoo.com

WHO Gives Paris Hilton Head

The World Health Organization announced this morning that socialite Paris Hilton will replace Dr. Margaret Chan as the specialized agency’s Director-General. Read More

Hindus Disappointed to Learn Sacred Talking Cow is Actually Rosie O’Donnell

In what is perhaps the greatest disappointment to Hindus since the elephant-god Ganesha signed a three-year contract with Cirque de Solei, it was revealed Tuesday that a sacred talking cow, which was being worshipped all over India, is, in fact, B-list celebrity Rosie O’Donnell. Read More

Sudan Replaces Genocide with Merited Killings

At his most recent press conference, Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir has announced that the genocide in Sudan has ended. Seeing the genocide overshadowed by such recent events as the election of Barack Obama, the economic crisis, and St. Patrick’s Day, Dr. al-Bashir has decided that it is time for a change. Under the new lex legis, Sudan will opt to kill people only based on merit. Read More

Gutenberg Invents Printing Press

In what will probably go down in the history books as one of man’s greatest inventions, Johannes Gutenberg has discovered a way to produce ammonia from hydrogen and nitrogen at the industrial level. In lesser news, he has also found a way to automate the writing process. Read More

Army Puzzled by Afghani Dialysis Machine Trade

Despite the attention that the opium trade in Afghanistan has been given, a recent development gave Pentagon officials pause for reflection: the Afghani dialysis machine black market. Read More

Recession Spares Africa

Despite the downward trending global economy, recent economic studies in Africa suggest that the continent is unaffected by the worldwide recession. The economies of several African nations might even be showing signs of growth. Read More

Al Gore Blames Global Warming On Hot Babes

At a recent sustainability talk given to Harvard students, Al Gore stressed the deleterious effect of hot babes on global warming. Read More

U.S. Demands Holland/The Netherlands Make Up Its/Their Goddamned Mind

After an independent study revealed
that 9 out of 10 American adults cannot find Holland on a map because they do not know what the hell it’s actually called, The United States government has decided to take action by forcing the country to “make up its goddamned
mind.” Read More

Lump In Shroud Of Turin “Just A Pack Of Smokes”

Earlier this week, Roman archaeologists
announced the discovery
of pack of cigarettes in the left breast pocket of the Shroud of Turin. Read More

Revolution Televised in Stunning Digital Picture

With the purchase of his new Panasonic
42” digital television, Fernando Ruiz will see revolution tear his South American nation apart in a stunning digital picture. Read More