Our President Shakes Like A Woman - An Editorial By Alan Wright ‘09

Drew Faust prepares to shake<br> hands with a pear

Harvard - 2007

The handshake has long been seen as a demonstration of authority. The Stone Age saw cavemen handshake on agreements. In disagreements, this devolved into a fatal game of mercy. The Romans would grasp forearms upon greeting to check for hidden knives in toga sleeves, because Romans were dirty that way. The utility of the handshake has only increasedover time, and decent technique is essential if you’ll be the one wearing the pants, if you know what I mean.

However, skeptics abound over whether President Drew Faust can give a proper handshake. At last week’s faculty“meet and greet”, she started with a young and eager Max Fishburn, ‘11, who reported back to me with gloves on. He recalls, “[Her hand] felt like a warm sock trying to feel my palm up.” Half an hour later, President Faust should have taken to better form, but when push came to shove Lily Perknov, ‘10, saw only one option, saying softly, “I used my left hand because it seemed appropriate.” Perhaps most convincing were the physical repercussions sufferedby the less cautious. Matt Halper recounts, “An emptiness pervaded my stomach and spirit, so I went back for a light fleece.”

Kathy McCormick had a different take on the matter. “I like her handshake.I hate it when guys try to rip your arm off.” Kathy also suffers from poor circulation and low blood sugar, makingher feeble and biased.

But why should such an issue even merit discussion? German scientists have the answer. “Leaders must have strong hands,” explained social analyst Hans Hermann. “So when you shake weak hands, you crush them. Bears, for instance, make good leaders.” In contrast to Drew’s handshake was that of Tom Dingman, Dean of Freshman, whose outstretched paw is like a torpedoof authority. At the same event, several seniors were seen approaching Mr. Dingman. When “The Hand” confrontedthem, they hesitated and stumbledbackwards, fearing the power of awesome communication skills.

Now that’s a man.

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