Real Bird Lures Blind Man to Crosswalk Death

Local - 2004

Cambridge resident and certified blind person Zachary Cooper met a gruesome end yesterday as he was killed while crossing Massachusetts Avenue against the light. Witnesses say that his ill-advised venture into rapid traffic was probably inspired by a bird which, while perched atop the traffic signal on the street's other side, began chirping. Cooper strode confidently into the street, where he was confidently smashed into a thousand pieces by a Mack brand pre-owned 18-wheeler which was running late on its delivery of Styrofoam casing from Portland, Maine to Trenton, New Jersey.

According to Harvard Square regulars, this was not the first time an accident of that nature had occurred. "I've seen that bird twelve, fifteen, maybe thirteen times," said Cambridge resident Yassi Gokesnin. "Every time a blind person with a cane walks up to the crosswalk, the bird swoops down with an evil gleam in his eye, trying to get another one. I never say anything because I secretly hate everybody."

City officials have reacted to the recent slew of blindness-related vehicular homicides by calling for a change in the sound accompanying the "walk" sign. Three new bills have been proposed in the city council that would change the sound from a bird chirping to a dog barking, a man coughing, and the sound of traffic, respectively. These bills will be voted on within the next month. Until then, Cambridge Mayor has advised blind people to "run like hell whenever [you] hear a bird sound. Also run away from it, not towards it. Also if you smell any of the wacky weed, make sure to give some people a good talking to. The young people are our future."

Back to Local Page

Back to Front Page