Bok to Institute Senior Citizen-Friendly Reforms – Promises to "Party Like It's 1979"

Harvard - 2006

Though only serving as president on an interim basis, 76-year-old Derek Bok is wasting no time in remaking Harvard, announcing at a faculty meeting last week that his primary initiative is to make the school more accessible to senior citizens like himself.

Fellow AARP member, Viagra user, Matlock fan, and interim FAS dean Jeremy Knowles said he would support the new proposals, marking the first time a Harvard president and FAS Dean have agreed since mid-2001. The changes should help Harvard enhance its image as being accessible to all students without regard to gender, ethnicity, financial status, and most importantly, the number of fatal health conditions they are currently diagnosed with.

From his residence at Cambridge Nursing Home, Bok described some of the exciting new changes. "We're going to shift everything back by three hours to match the circadian rhythms of the average 75-year-old. Classes start at 6:00 AM, dinner starts at 2:30 PM, and Felipé's now closes at 11:00 PM." When asked if he had the authority to tell Felipé's when to close, Bok angrily declared that visiting hours were over and called for a nurse to fluff his pillows.

Students should expect the reforms to affect more than their sleep schedules. The fall intramural sports schedule will feature bingo, shuffleboard, and wheel-chair basketball in place of soccer, Ultimate Frisbee, and "leg-based" basketball. Science Center E will be converted into a Dialysis Center and all Expos papers must be handwritten to level the playing field for the computer illiterate. Finally, newly-appointed fun czar Bob Barker announced that UC Party Grants would be used to subsidize the cost of prescription drugs. When reached for comment by Satire V, Mr. Barker reminded us to have our pets spayed or neutered.

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