Iron Chef Exposed in Doping Scandal

That's not celery that Sakai's sticking in his arm

International - 2006

Iron Chef Sakai, the French culinary expert of the popular Japanese game show Iron Chef, has admitted to what has been described by Japanese officials as "rampant doping in Kitchen Stadium."

Though the show ended in 1999, Iron Chef Sakai's scheme was uncovered just days ago when a culinary student at the Gourmet Academy in Japan was studying archival video footage of the show to learn how to prepare Sakai's yellowtail with daikon radish.

"In one pot, there was a charming preparation of daikon radish, soy sauce, sake, sugar, and mirin, which I believed Iron chef Sakai was going to add to the already simmering yellowtail with ginger root," announced student Uri Takamura in choppy, poorly dubbed English. "Yet, in the midst of this, I could clearly see him extracting a fine powder from a goat pituitary gland, which he then placed under his tongue with a mint leaf and a dollop of rice vinegar."

The range of doping substances that Sakai prepared while on the show is believed to have given him ultra-fine motor control from horse beta-blockers, highly attuned creativity brought on by LSD-induced psychedelic trips, and, for a one-week span, a passion for including Fritos in every dish he made, though television executives put an end to that when ratings started to dip.

"Working under Iron Chef Sakai was both a great honor and a truly trying time in my life," commented one of Sakai's former assistants in Kitchen Stadium, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of backlash against him and his family. "He would be so hopped up on testosterone from the frog testicles he kept in the sides of his mouth that he would hit us with a wok if the garlic wasn't chopped finely enough, or if we added an ingredient too soon into stew, or if we ran out of frog testicles."

In an analysis of over 300 archived shows just completed yesterday, Japanese officials have found 215 cases of Sakai doping, 65 cases of abusing his assistants, and at least 10 cases of Sakai shaking under the counter in the fetal position. Though all of this went unnoticed when the show aired, news of his rampant drug use did not come as a surprise to some.

"Iron chef Sakai was always struggling to keep ahead of his challengers," said the show's host, Chairman Kaga. "He barely scraped by with a winning record, and when he did win, it was usually by some small fraction of a point that he earned by boning the cute female judges in sleazy motels all over town."

FujiTV, the original airer of the television show, has issued a stern condemnation of Sakai's behavior on the set and has joined forces with the Japanese government to implement the testing of competitors prior to entering Kitchen Stadium.

"When our Iron Chefs begin cheating to remain competitive, they disgrace the culinary arts and they sell their souls," commented network executive Mr. Yagawusha. "They sell their souls, their houses, their cars, and even their kids. Anything to get one more taste of pituitary."

Back to International Page

Back to Front Page