Sudan Replaces Genocide with Merited Killings

International - 2009

At his most recent press conference, Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir has announced that the genocide in Sudan has ended. Seeing the genocide overshadowed by such recent events as the election of Barack Obama, the economic crisis, and St. Patrick’s Day, Dr. al-Bashir has decided that it is time for a change. Under the new lex legis, Sudan will opt to kill people only based on merit.

"We have decided that we will only kill people if they meet one of the criteria scientifically developed by our Muslim priests," says the Sudanese President. "For example, anyone of Tutsi descent will be terminated. We are also looking to exterminate Jews, homosexuals, and Gypsies, also known as the Romany. This is definitely not genocide. These people simply deserve to die. It's an objective fact."

"At first I thought they had ended the killing thing all together, which would’ve been really, really horrible," says Jonathan Goldberg, a freshman at NYU. "Now that Barack Obama has been elected, if the Sudan crisis ended, I’d no longer have a purpose in life."

Oluseyi Bajulaiye, an area man greatly affected by the change in policy, was unavailable for comment.

Not everyone is pleased with the turn of events, however. Melinda Smith, US ambassador to Africa, states, “This is a really serious situation. It is a shame that some people are treating it as a joke.”

Back to International Page

Back to Front Page