Nation’s Youth Struggling to Develop Cigarette Addiction

National - 2009

“I’ve been trying for weeks. I’m on a strict diet, and I’ve stuck to my schedule like glue. I just can’t do it.”

UC Berkeley student Alan Shepard has a serious problem. Despite numerous dealings with peer pressure and influences from the media, Shepard has yet to develop a smoking habit. Added Shepard, “Yuck, my fingers smell disgusting. I hope I don’t have to shake hands with anyone for a while.”

And he’s not alone. Shepard has indicated that many members of his close circle of friends have yet to fully develop a tobacco habit of any sort, though he also admits that he may be lying to make it seem like he fits in.

“I tried chew once, but I accidentally swallowed.” A distant voice cried, ‘that’s what she said,’ furthering Shepard’s feeling of alienation.

CDC experts have begun publicly referring to this phenomenon as “[the] death of cool” as well as the arrival of “the nerd horseman of the apocalypse.” The victims are colloquially referred to as ‘nerds.’

Shepard pulled out his pack of cigarettes, a very girly teal pack of American Spirits, and began pounding the pack on the palm of his hand as he related a story. “I was at a party and this guy was playing a Bob Dylan song on the guitar. He then pauses to take a puff of his cigarette. Everyone is staring at him… and he blew a fucking O. He looks at the woman next to him and says all suave, ‘the o stands for orgasm.’

And then he kept playing--while he had sex with that chick.” Shepard then nervously pulled at a cigarette and continued, “That woman was my mom.”

Some point dexters like Shepard maintain hope of someday relinquishing the shackles of nerdom. He hacked as he took a puff of his cigarette he was holding like a joint, but look determined. “I swear, I’m going to get addicted to cigarettes, even if I die trying.”

At the time of press, Shepard had failed to purchase a motorcycle or even get a tattoo.

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