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Inside this Issue
Superman beats up Superdelegate Authentic Ethiopian Restaurant Serves No Food Point: Heath Ledger's death is not funny. Counterpoint: Why so serious? Joker "Really not that Funny," Gotham Citizen Claims Man Not Mugged on Late-Night Cambridge Common Stroll Polar Bears Urged "Keep Treading Water" From The Archives
Delayed Release of Halo 2 Forces Social Interaction: At least one UCSB undergraduate's life was drastically changed when the release of Halo 2, one of the most anticipated video games ever for the Xbox system, was pushed back from this spring to next fall Read More Featured Personal Ad
Once-proud football franchise in Southern Florida seeks a fucking win. Dolphins@nfl.com |
Article
Twinkie Defense Pretty Much Explains Area Man’s Entire LifeLocal - 2009 CICERO, INDIANA—After many years of fumbling to find an excuse for his ineffectual life, John Stottard has struck gold. “I’ve been eating junk food my entire life. That explains why I sleep 14 hours a night and can’t find a job. I’m not sure if it explains my continuous sweating, but you know what? I bet it does.” His mother and primary caretaker described him as both “inconsiderate” and “stupid.” Stottard quietly reflected on the couch where upon he spends his waking hours, “I’ve never even had a girlfriend. I farted on a girl once during a date. I wasn’t on the date with her, I was just walking by, but I got a boner just the same.” Journal entries reveal he once contemplated suicide, but instead ate a Ho Ho and took a nap. |