Harvard Admits Record-Low Zero Percent

Harvard - 2009

In response to the economic downturn and the corresponding decrease in the Harvard endowment, the Harvard Faculty of Arts and Sciences has decided to phase out education. All 28,675 applicants for the Harvard Class of 2013 have summarily been rejected. Harvard will however continue in the more profitable businesses of prostitution, drug dealing, and babysitting.

The Dean of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences, Michael D. Smith, admits, “I’m really disappointed that Harvard will have to stop with its teaching division. If one looks at the history of Harvard, though, teaching has never really been a priority. Have any Harvard professors won a Nobel Prize, a Fields Medal, or an Emmy for teaching?” He continues, “We were originally thinking about sending rejection letters even to those who didn’t apply, but we were unhappy about how much pain would be caused by the unnecessary, unexpected, and ungreen waste of paper.”

Current Harvard students have expressed mixed sentiments. Falze McDonald, a member of the Harvard football team, informally known as The Squad, assures, “Academics have always been very important to me, but sometimes decisions just have to be made. I have made many decisions in my life, and I think it is very important that people in power make decisions.” When told that Harvard will be cutting football funds, Mr. McDonald, however, was indignant. “This is fucking ridiculous! Fuck this! I am unhappy.”

“I can’t believe that I’ve been rejected from Harvard,” sighs Ching Chang Chen, who was admitted to Yale, Princeton, MIT, and Brooklyn College. “I had perfect SAT scores, got 5s on every AP exam I took, and was 1st chair in the New York State All-State Symphonic Orchestra, which was the best band in the entire state. On top of all that, I have tirelessly spent my life fighting harmful Asian stereotypes.”

Most of all, Harvard hopes that the funds saved will be used for good purposes. Harvard President Drew Faust states, “It is very important that women throughout the world rebel against male domination. This is all I think about all day long. I am just that one-dimensional.”

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