25% of Student Body “Quits” at Year’s End

Harvard - 2009

A Harvard study has found that 25% of Harvard students quit by year’s end. Approximately 1600 students will quit school this year.

“Numbers don’t lie,” explained head researcher Stephan Porter. “These quitters have no respect for something that has let them suckle at the teat of learning for the past four years.”

The Harvard study represents a culmination of an effort to combine decades of student data, with an emphasis on two variables: how many students are in school, and how many of those students return to school the following year.  Researchers found roughly a quarter of the school’s population did not return to school, and that these same individuals also dressed in caps and gowns before dropping out and getting jobs.

Some researchers hypothesize that the students are following a migratory pattern, much like birds. “Geese fly south. Polar bears drown under melting ice caps. Perhaps it is not a stretch to suggest that Harvard students are following a similar biological pattern,” said Porter.

The researcher’s theory has predicted with near exactitude the number of students quitting each year since Harvard’s founding, over 300 years ago.

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