PETA Fights Santa’s Use of Reindeers

National - 2009

“An orgy of murder.” “A shame to holiday role models everywhere.” “His suit wasn’t always red like that.” These are some of the phrases that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, has used in a string of new advertisements and protests. Immediately after its campaign to replace the Thanksgiving turkey with “arugalicious arugula” had virtually no impact outside of Canada, PETA has turned its attention to the annual Christmas tradition of nine flying reindeer guiding Santa’s sled around the world outside of Israel, or as PETA has described it “the murder of cuddly Christmas reindeer who are our only friends.”

“We should all pretend that we’re those animals so as to feel their pain and speak Inuit,” says Lila Berger, a PETA spokesperson. “Making them fly all night without rest is one of these epic world problems like global warming, AIDS, and marijuana not being legal. It would make me really, really sleepy. It’s just murder. Murder, murder, murder, murder, murder fucking murder.”

Confronted with such statements, Santa has only responded with, “Ho ho ho,” “Merry Christmas,” and such combinations as “Ho merry ho ho Christmas Christmas nigga.” The public has been mostly unaffected, and opinion data shows that those sympathetic to PETA are mostly nutty liberal Jews who believe that Santa is a simply a fictional device to indoctrinate young children with anti-Semitic ideas.

Shirley Johnson, a prototypical white Protestant American child from Kalamazoo, states, “I’ve been a good girl all year and Santa is going to give me a year’s supply of cookie dough ice cream. I love Santa.”

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