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McCain absent on campaign trail since discovering Warcraft Ralph Nader Runs Against Area Man for PTA Alphabet Soup Spells Doom for Area Man Superman beats up Superdelegate Area Kenyan Just Running from his Problems Total Asshole Excuses Himself With Mumbled Apology From The Archives
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Studies Show Positive Correlation Between Red Bull and Wings
National - 2008 Researchers in Austria have recently released the results of an extensive Red Bull study. Eighty-seven of one hundred subjects developed wing-like appendages, while all subjects exhibited an unnatural urge to urinate every twenty minutes. The researchers asserted that they wanted to get to the center of Red Bull’s claim of giving consumers wings. “We are merely testing the reliability of the product,” said principal investigator Franz Isidor as he dropped a shot of Jagermeister into test subject 42’s Red Bull. “There are many benefits to having wings, like flying and being able to reach stuff that other people without wings can’t,” Dr. Isidor duly noted as he walked past a specially designed gymnasium where the winged subjects could do midair flips and loop-de-loops while lab technicians recorded their vitals. When asked about the diets of the experimentees, Franz nonchalantly replied that it consisted of Red Bull supplemented with Red Bull tablets. However, he made a special point to emphasize that subjects were given filet-mignon on Sundays and could order takeout twice a week from the local sub shop. All eighty-seven subjects who grew wings seemed highly stable and well-adjusted to their new limbs, aside from the occasional caffeine crash and infrequent heart attack. Unfortunately, the other thirteen who did not succeed in gaining feathery pinions could not be reached for interviews, as they had already died of complications resulting from aerial intercourse.
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