U.S. Demands Holland/The Netherlands Make Up Its/Their Goddamned Mind

International - 2008

After an independent study revealed that 9 out of 10 American adults cannot find Holland on a map because they do not know what the hell it’s actually called, The United States government has decided to take action by forcing the country to “make up its goddamned mind.”

“For years now, the people of…that country have been attempting to fluster the rest of the world by giving themselves multiple names, like some crazy superhero” said President Bush in a recent press conference. “We, the citizens of America, demand that the people of Holland and/or The Netherlands just cut it out already.” After a round of applause, he added cautiously, “I think they may also be Denmark.”

Some favor fusing the various names the country has or is accused of having. Popular suggestions include The Hollandlands, The Netherholland, and Sweden. However, many believe that the country should officially declare themselves as “Holland,” citing the catchiness of the phrase “haulin’ ass to Holland,” and the fact that the word “Netherlands” sounds like a euphemism for Hell. Others, however, have emphasized that the name “Netherlands” is much more conducive to genital puns, adding that “[they] went down to your mother’s Netherlands last night.”

The pro-“Holland” faction wasted no time in replying that a sexually amusing name is unnecessary, since the country itself is “low-lying, wet, and famous for its many dikes.”

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