I Should've Been Client #1 - By Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer

Editorials - 2008

For those of you who don’t me, I am fucking awesome. I am also awesome at fucking, so awesome that I felt I needed to spread my gift to anyone I could: my wife, my prostitutes, and most importantly, the people of New York.

That said, as a crusader of truth, I cannot help but notice the great injustice done to me by this federal affidavit. Labeling me as “Client 9” will naturally lead to the assumption that there are eight other clients more important than me. That is blatantly false. Not only do I have the highest political office among Emperor’s Club VIP clients, I am also better than them in every conceivable way.

Allow me to break it down for you. I went to Harvard Law School. Ever heard of it Client 3? Didn’t think so. I was also a first born child. Client 1 was second born. He is also a tool.

As Attorney General of New York, Wall Street nicknamed me “The Steamroller” for the way I ran over opponents and small animals. What’s your nickname again Client 4? Oh right, you don’t even fucking have one, unless we count “Junior”.

Speaking of fucking, did I mention how awesome I am at it? Not just awesome, but seven diamonds awesome. That Kirsten girl should’ve been paying me, but I gave her money. Why you ask? Because unlike that rich bastard Client 2, I have a benevolent heart. All signs point to the fact that I should’ve been Client 1.

In short, it has been an honor to serve the people of New York. I urge you to fight for the principles I believe in: justice, equality, and the undeniable fact that Eliot Spitzer is fucking awesome at awesome fucking.

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