Bin Laden Sex Tape Receives Mixed Reviews

It takes him 12 minutes just to get the turban off

International - 2008

One Night in Tora Bora, a recently released sex tape featuring Osama bin Laden and several virgins, has received ambivalent reviews from Pentagon officials. “I normally prefer lots of girls on screen at once,” remarked CIA director Mike Hayden, “but it’s very hard to get aroused when they keep their burkas on during sex. Caves aren’t even very well lit in the first place. All I could make out were six sets of eyes and a giant beard. At least Paris’s tape used night-vision, throw me a bone Osama.”

The tape also received a lukewarm review from the Adult Video News, calling it “an awkward mashup of threats to America’s world standing and moral standards”.

However, some officials have questioned the authenticity of the tape. As one CIA official noted, “While the CIA director has released a statement complaining about Osama’s performance, we have not in fact verified that it is actually him. The lack of an AK-47 and no mention of death to America, along with Osama’s well-known performance anxiety, make the authenticity of this tape highly suspect.”

The Al Qaeda press release denies accusations of a “stunt cock”, and stated that “Osama can always deliver, whether he’s sticking it to the Great Satan or the hottest starlets of North Waziristan”.

The tape, which premiered today on Al Jazeera, did receive praise for its original plot. As Vice President Dick Cheney noted, “This was a remarkable film. Mohamed al Muhamad’s epic and venerable quest to destroy freedom has been derailed. With his name on the FBI’s Most Wanted List, Muhamad decides that only by impregnating several virgins can he create a generation of terrorist leaders fit to lead. Will he climax before the next wave of air attacks? So much suspense and drama, I loved it!”

When asked if he noticed that the lead actor was played by Osama bin Laden, the man responsible for the 9/11 attacks, Cheney replied, “Don’t be obtuse. Iraq caused 9/11.”

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