A Letter from Pepperidge Farm

Editorials - 2008

Dear Valued Customer,

We regret to inform you that Pepperidge Farm is not liable for self-inflicted food-related injuries. Though we empathize with your gastrointestinal plight, our “Death by Chocolate” cake does not guarantee – as the name may suggest – actual death, but describes our unique, patented style of frosting.

In your ill-fated suicide attempt, you put down 14 cakes without the desired effect. While this is certainly impressive, we have to ask: what did the first cake taste like? And the tenth? They should have tasted exactly the same, because every cake is baked to perfection.

If we’re guilty of something, it’s creating a cake that’s too delicious, too beautiful to be sold in ordinary grocery stores. Our fluffy cake batter, smothered in all-natural, slow churned icing is certainly something worth living for.

But what would be better than death from eating cake? I might imagine: death from eating any of our assorted frozen foods and confections.

And for a limited time only, you can buy one cake and get a second free. So go ahead, imagine how close you got to death: now, divide it by half. This is just one more way how we pass the savings on to you.

Pepperidge Farm is prepared to sponsor a funeral if and when you die by our cakes. Your coffin will feature several of our best selling cakes, with a larger than life nutritional value table at its bottom, because responsible eating is the Pepperidge Farm Pledge. Also, in a show of corporate solidarity, the Pillsbury Doughboy will lead your wake.

On behalf of Pepperidge Farm, we look forward to future well-publicized suicide attempts featuring all of our exciting products.

Best,

Stanley Cassady
Pepperidge Farm Regional Manager

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